Liner notes

Ruin Jonny's Bar Mitzvah

Hi, my name is Benjamin Rosenblatt. I attend Hamlin Dell Junior High School in Agoura Hills, CA (Go Hamlins!). A few months ago my family and I were invited to Jonny Wixen's Bar Mitzvah at Calamigos Ranch in Malibu. I don't know Jonny very well, but my Dad insisted that we go because he said there would be people there who would advance my career. Also, he said that there was an ice cream bar and that Me First and the Gimme Gimmes were playing.
I didn't know what the big deal was, I mean I already saw Twisted Sister play at Mike Fink's Bar Mitzvah a few months before, and Mudvayne at Sheila Wasserman's Bar Mitzvah a week before that.
Plus I can get ice cream anywhere.

After my dad introduced me to some "prospects," we sat down to watch Jonny recite the blessing. When Jonny took his seat, the band started. I guess it's hard to play music in front of people and Mom says I shouldn't be judgemental, but I think maybe the band should have practiced more. They made a lot of mistakes. They even started a song then stopped then started the song again. Mom said we should clap to be supportive, but Dad just sat there frowning. He said that whatever Randall (that's Jonny's dad) was paying the band was too much. Randall did not seem very concerned.
What a spaz! Eventually one of the guitar players invited everyone to the dance floor. But the bass player screamed that the next song was the dance number. Some people went anyway. Dad didn't move. "Practice?" he said, "Hell I don't even think these guys knew each other before tonight!"

When the next song started everyone started moving to the dance floor so I plugged my ears and joined them. When the band finally made it through a whole song with no mistakes or interruptions the whole place went wild. My dad even tried to get Mrs. Greene to dance with him. Mom didn't think that was very funny. At one point the dancing was so crazy that some members of the band looked concerned, but once Tommy found his inhaler everything was OK.

When the band announced that the ice cream bar was open, the floor cleared except for Mr. and Mrs. Cohen (they are both lactose intolerant). The other guitar player was first in line at the ice cream bar and refused to give autographs until he was finished eating. When my dad told him to act like a professional, he said: "I don't come to your job and tell you how to shine shoes, do I?" and walked off. The singer brought a can of whipped cream back from the ice cream bar and sucked on the can until it was empty. And then he kept sucking on it until the bas player pulled it out of his mouth. From that point on he seemed much more enthusiastic.

Finally, the band played "Have Nagila" and everyone cheered and danced. They played it pretty good but I liked Mudvayne's version better. Anyway, when the band was finished congratulating each other, they walked to the other bar. My dad had been spending a lot of time at the other bar too. He wanted to tell the band exactly what he thought of them, but they were surrounded by seventh graders and he couldn't get through.
Jonny begged the band to play some more but they said they had to discuss some figures with his dad first. I guess figures can be very motivational, because in like 30 seconds they were ready to play again. Uncle Roger from Paris sang a song too. It was pretty bad, but I couldn't stop watching. "Like a f-ing train wreck," my dad said. Mom said it was time to f-ing go home, so we left after Jonny finished his drum solo.

Who knows? Maybe my dad can get Staind to play at my Bar Mitzvah next year!

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